It's A Damn Cold Night
by Nerweniel
Summary: Minerva McGonagall's life is over- she's sure of it. She's 17, orphaned, friendless and the man she loves will never love her back. So she goes up the Astronomy Tower to say good-bye to it all.
1. Standing On The Bridge

** It's A Damn Cold Night**  
  
by Nerweniel  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the Harry Potter world and/or the song "I'm With You", by Avril Lavigne.  
  
**Standing On The Bridge**  
  
**"I'm standing on the bridge  
I'm waiting in the dark  
I thought that you'd be here by now"**  
  
Seventeen-year-old's Minerva McGonagall's carefully suppressed tears started falling as her feet, lightly, touched the final steps of the spiral staircase in the Astronomy Tower. The dark green, tartan hood of her cloak covered most of her face, but the moonlight painted diamond streams on the pale skin, coming from her eyes and going- going just nowhere.   
  
Like she was.  
  
Going nowhere. Going to where her mother was, there, far above. Where the stars rested.   
  
As she reached the small platform on top of the tower, she looked up and, despite her tears, a wry smile arched her lips.  
  
The deep, velvety sky had never seemed so close to her. If she raised her hand, her eyes closed, it was almost as if the hand of her mother touched hers, lightly… but only to slip away as soon as she re-opened her emerald eyes.   
  
A gust of wind. That was all. No hand. No mother. No rest.  
  
But the sky was close. So close.  
  
In an almost impulsive movement, Minerva, her eyes closed tightly again, found herself climbing on top of the low wall that prevented students from falling down. From falling down!  
  
Her own, throaty laugh pained her face as she threw off her cloak.  
  
Falling down.  
  
This was the bridge, she realized as her hair, now loose from her thick, black braid, fell down her back and flowed freely in the wind. This was the bridge to better, to the happiness the earth had never granted her.   
  
So perhaps heaven would. 


	2. Nothing But The Rain

**Nothing But The Rain  
**  
**"There's nothing but the rain  
No footsteps on the ground  
I'm listening, but there's no sound"**  
  
"Mother?"  
  
Minerva's voice was faint, bereft of all its usual briskness. For what was that briskness, that authority she, even as Head Girl and not even a teacher, already had, what was it but a poor façade?   
  
Again the fact that had caused her to stand here in the first place, entered her mind. She had got no friends. No real ones, that was. They respected her- they feared her, for she was strict- but behind her back, they mocked her like they always had. Smart, serious Minerva McGonagall, who loved reading and got top grades without any notable effort. But she did like studying- another abnormality, another reason for her lack of friends.  
  
She had never really cared. As long as her father, and, after his death, her mother were there, she was as happy as possible.  
  
But where was her mother now?  
  
There, far away, where she had not been able to follow.  
  
Now she would, though. But didn't then the very same question remain?  
  
Where was her mother now?  
  
She half-closed her eyes and listened, but it was true. There was no sound- no footsteps on the ground. Nothing.   
  
Nothing but the rain, falling down, wiping away the tears from her pale face and yet creating more of them.   
  
"Mother?"  
  
She spread her arms open, stretched them out towards the sky in a desperate, uncharacteristically pleading gesture.  
  
Please come and get me, mother.  
  
Please take me away, mother.  
  
Please. 


	3. It's A Damn Cold Night

**It's A Damn Cold Night**  
  
**"Isn't anyone trying to find me?  
Won't somebody come take me home  
It's a damn cold night  
Trying to figure out this life"**  
  
As Minerva stood there, her face bare, wet and pained, the ever-courageous light in her eyes finally died down, she knew that this was defeat. Life had defeated her. It was hard to take, hard to face, but it was true.  
  
Minerva McGonagall, indestructible Minerva McGonagall, was finally destroyed.   
  
She had been able to live without friendship, she'd learnt to live without it since Rolanda Hooch, her one, only friend, had left school prematurely in her 6th year to play professional Quidditch. Minerva had seen her go and had smiled.   
  
"Will you be alright, Min? Are you sure you'll be alright?"  
  
She'd crossed her arms and smiled.  
  
"Of course, Ro, who do you think I am? I don't need "them"."  
  
With "them" meaning; the rest of the world.  
  
Except then that one person.  
  
Rolanda had kept on writing to her, but she was busy and busy people forgot easily. Minerva had realized she was a burden for her ever-merry friend, and had, in the end, let go.  
  
She still had her parents. Even after the death of her father, in the beginning of her 7th year- this year- she had still had her mother. Father was dead, murdered by the Dark Lord like so many others, but mother would never leave her. Mother wouldn't- and there was still Maia, after all,   
  
Maia, her little sister-to-be who, despite her dad's death, had kept on growing, there, safely hidden deep inside her mother's stomach..  
  
She still had her mother, still had her sister.  
  
And then The Letter had come.   
  
Headmaster Dippet had called her into his office…  
  
And her world had collapsed. 


	4. Take Me By The Hand

**Take Me By The Hand**  
  
**"Won't you, take me by the hand  
Take me somewhere new  
I don't know who you are but I, I'm with you  
I'm with you."**  
  
"Miss McGonagall, I don't know an easy way to say this… please sit down."  
  
She had done as Headmaster Dippet had asked, almost automatically. All brain activity had stopped right there- because all of a sudden, she knew. She was no longer the formidable Head Girl, no longer Minerva-in-control-McGonagall. She was a girl who'd had it all and lost it all- and who knew it.  
  
"Minerva- your mother…"  
  
Were those little, watery diamonds in the Headmaster's grey eyes then really tears?   
  
Minerva swallowed and stared at her hands, folded on her lap, as he continued  
  
"Your mother has been killed by the Dark Lord. Your- your sister has died with her. I am sorry…"  
  
Impulsively, sadly, the man extended a wrinkled hand towards Minerva, as if to comfort her, but she didn't feel it as he clumsily patted her back. She felt nothing.   
  
Nothing.  
  
And then, very slowly, realization dawned and tears came. Silent tears- much more desperate than any hysterical sobbing ever could be. She felt them bite in her cheeks, tear her heart apart.  
  
Mother was dead.  
  
Maia was dead.  
  
Albus Dumbledore didn't love her.  
  
For some reason- she almost bitterly chuckled at the thought- she was suddenly sure of that fact, through the storm of sadness inside her body. She had loved him, her Professor, since her eleventh year. He'd coached her during her Animagus-training at sixteen. He'd held her as she cried over her father.  
  
And now was proved that he didn't care for her at all.  
  
Because not he, her Head of House and most trusted teacher at Hogwarts, entrusted her the news that had torn her apart- but Dippet. What could that mean, but simply that he didn't like difficult things, that he just escaped his duties then and ran off.   
  
What could that mean, but simply that he didn't love her. That he never would.  
  
And all of a sudden she knew that all she wanted was to follow her mother, father and sister to the other side, where sadness became joy, where tears turned to smiles?  
  
Take me by the hand, Mother.  
  
Take me somewhere new. 


	5. Searching For A Face

**Searching For A Face**  
  
**"I'm looking for a place  
I'm searching for a face  
Is anybody here I know?"**  
  
Albus Dumbledore ran quicker than his feet could carry him, and he stumbled through the corridors. Inwardly he could not suppress a well meant curse- a curse at Armando, his friend and employer who had- despite his repeated pleas!- told his favourite pupil about her mother's death himself.  
  
It wasn't that Armando wasn't tactful or nice, but Albus knew, felt, that she would have wanted him to tell her. Because Armando, despite having been Headmaster of Hogwarts for decades and decades, still hadn't got a clue about how other people's minds worked. He still hadn't understood that Minerva McGonagall, despite her strong and impeccable façade was actually a highly vulnerable girl.  
  
Perhaps that had exactly been the reason for the façade in the first place- fear for her own weaknesses. She couldn't understand how anyone could ever like her through those weaknesses, but it was exactly her façade that kept her from making friends easily.  
  
Not, Albus admitted, that life hadn't been hard on her. Life- or her fellow students. She'd always been kind of an outsider, being intelligent and older than expected for her actual age. Her grades were always the best, even though she was perhaps not even the most studious of her class. Such a girl simply had to make enemies easily- even though she was a dear in every possible way.  
  
For that she was, and therefore he ran. The figures on the paintings he passed muttered silent curses at him- "running through the corridors" and that "for a Head of House"- but he did not care.  
  
He had a feeling- an undeniable feeling, that she, that beautiful, intelligent, wonderful girl with her radiant green eyes and her long, soft, black waves or hair, always so rigidly pulled back into a braid or bun.   
  
He saw trough the bun, through the thin, pressed together lips, through the mask of flawless, noble bravery. She was brave, yes. Braver than any person he knew.  
  
But ever bravery has its borders, he knew, and therefore he ran. 


	6. It's A Damn Cold Night

**It's A Damn Cold Night**

"Isn't anyone trying to find me?  
Won't somebody come take me home  
It's a damn cold night  
Trying to figure out this life."

"Minerva..." he repeated, and she heard him, but didn't turn around. Her only perceptible reaction was the slight shaking of her shoulders as a pale, slender hand pulled her cloak a bit closer around them. Inside of her head, though, thoughts whirled through her mind. It was his voice, of that she was sure. His voice, the voice she'd drank during so many years of too sporadic classes, the only liquid she desperately, frantically wanted to be drunk with, the only melody that could ever touch her heart.

It was him, he who she'd loved for years, he whose smiles and frowns had made and unmade her world, he whom she'd believed in, always believed in, through everything, even through her own so often praised common sense. Until some hours earlier...

"Minerva." he now uttered a second time, and she felt a hand on her shoulder. It was a loose hand, though- did he then really trust her with what she was about to throw away- with her own life? Or did he simply not care? She felt her own spirits, raised for such a short, blissful moment at the sound of his voice, sink again and, through her dark eyelashes, she found herself staring into the tempting darkness before her. Now was the moment, she knew as she, instinctively, stepped a bit closer to the misty abyss. Now it was life or death and, though his hand was on her shoulder, it was her choice to make. It was so easy... so very, very easy... so easy...

"Minerva, please... please..."

It was all he said, but he didn't tighten his grip and she was grateful for that. The sadness in his voice was enough to break her heart- but wasn't it already broken? Hadn't he- or better, his absence- broken it sheer hours earlier?

On that very moment, with that very question, Minerva McGonagall made a decision, the decision, which would change her life.

She turned around.

She turned around and faced him, him who she'd loved, even though ever sensible fibre of her being knew it was wrong, it was forbidden by all laws of men and nature...

His blue eyes shone as they, finally, finally, linked with her emerald ones- after what felt like an eternity. They read the sadness- she could feel it. They read the pain... and they responded. With kindness, comfort and... and something else. Something she, even she, with all her so-called brains and intelligence, could not define. Not yet... not now...

"Professor..." Minerva muttered, in a voice which sounded hardly sure that it was still alive... It should have been over now. It should have...

But as soon as his arms went around her, she knew that jumping wasn't her fate. Had never been her fate. He lifted her up- she felt it, even though her eyes were closed. He lifted her up in his arms, she felt his staggering breath on her face and didn't even try to suppress a soft sigh from escaping her lips.

"Don't..."

His voice sounded strangely hoarse- almost as if he was crying.

"Don't do that ever again! Do you hear me, Minerva? Don't throw your life away- never. Please!"

His arms around her pressed her slender body against his more muscular one, and as her cheek came to rest against his, she realized her previous feeling hadn't been an impression. He was crying.

"Professor..."

"Albus."

"A-Albus, why do you cry? Why do you give a damn about... what I do... why do you? Why?"

The last bit had come out as a half-muffled, hysterical shriek, but deep down, they both knew it was a rational question. She did, honestly, wonder why he cared so much, why he shed tears over her. 

And deep down, they both knew the answer.

"Because I love you, Minerva. Because I give more than a damn about you. And I am sorry because of it. I know it is wr-"

His sentence was muffled, though, after this strange- almost guilty- confession of love.

It was muffled by her face on his.

"Won't you, take me by the hand, take me somewhere new.  
I don't know who you are but I, I'm with you  
I'm with you."


	7. Out Of My Mind

**Out Of My Mind**

"Why is everything so confusing  
Maybe I'm just out of my mind  
Yeah Yeah Yeah  
Yeah Yeah Yeah  
Yeah."

So this was how kissing a student felt, Albus vaguely recollected as he gently tightened his grip around her slim waist. But for him, she wasn't "a student" anymore- she'd never been "just a student" to him, that tall girl with her radiant, intelligent green eyes and her thick, black hair.

She was a miracle, every inch a miracle, of that, too, he was convinced.

Her sweet wet little face felt like paradise on his, and as her tongue suddenly found its way into his mouth, he felt dizzy like he'd never felt dizzy before. It wasn't an unpleasant feeling, though- quite the contrary, actually...

He could hardly hide his disappointment as, after what felt like a sheer moment, he felt her lips stiffen under his, and then it happened. She pulled back from his arms and turned away. It didn't take him very long to find out she was crying. Her slender shoulders shook uncontrollably beneath her thin cloak, her head bowed in apparent defeat.

"I- I am sorry..." he muttered, all of a sudden feeling very guilty. What if she didn't love him back? What if he'd jumped on conclusions, because- after all, how could a young, beautiful girl like her ever fall in love with him, her Professor, boring and, in her eyes, ancient? It was a dream- the kiss had been a dream, and that it would always stay. With nothing more than a short, suppressed sigh as a token of his unhappiness, Albus took a step towards Minerva, careful not to touch her. He'd probably hurt her more than enough already...

"Minerva, I am sorry. I know I shouldn't have taken advantage of you, I really do. We'll go downstairs and never speak about it again, I am sorry, I'll leave you alone from now on, it's just..."

He could not possibly say he didn't feel anything for her. The words simply wouldn't leave his lips. It would be a lie, more than a lie even. Not acknowledging his feelings for her wouldn't destroy them. It would destroy him, but never his feelings... never.

At these words, she turned to him, though, and he couldn't but feel surprised as she fell into his arms and clung to him as if she was never going to let go.

"Don't go!" were her muffled words, as she hid her face in his robes.

"Don"t go! Don't go away! Don't leave me!"

She was almost hysterical, he knew, and as two dark green eyes filled with sadness locked with his, he tenderly stroked her long, black tresses and nodded.

"I'll never leave you, Minerva, if you don't want me to..."

She closed her eyes as her cheek came to rest against his, then muttered, her hoarse voice shaking

"People who I love always leave. In the end, they do. They really do. Mom did, dad did, Maia did. Even... even Ro..."

Albus pulled her a bit closer to him as she cried in his beard.

"Rolanda Hooch hasn't forgotten you. The news of your mother's death has just reached her. She's written three letters to you already, they're waiting for you, and she's coming over tomorrow. And as for me..."

"Yes?"

"Do you mean what you just said?"

They both knew what he was talking about- "people who I love", and his inclusion in that statement- and they both knew, unconsciously, what her answer would be.

"Yes. I do. With all my heart."

"Do you- can you ever... can you ever love me?"

And all of a sudden, the old Minerva, with her wit, her sarcasm, her courage, was back. With a sudden, unique smile and a tender pat on his cheek, she mouthed

"Albus Dumbledore, you know very well that I have loved you since I was fourteen..."

When their lips met again in a gentle kiss, they both knew it was forever and for always, this time, and when she, again, pulled back, it wasn't but for a few millimetres. She was still smiling, but her eyes shone seriously as her breath, slowly, touched his face and made him shiver.

"It's a damn cold night, Albus, to try and figure out your life. I'm asking you this... please..."

She hesitated for a second, but as his wrinkled hand tenderly touched her flustered cheek, the question came- the question that would change both their lives.

"Won't you take me by the hand, Albus... please... take me somewhere new. I know you don't even know me that well, I know you can't possibly answer this right now, but I'm asking you..."

As a smile broke through on the Transfiguration Professor's lips, though, Minerva knew she couldn't finish her sentence, and when his lips, briefly, softly, touched hers again, she knew it- she knew this was paradise, and she knew this was him...

"Minerva, I know enough to respond with all my heart indeed. You are my heart. And perhaps- perhaps I don't know who you are, but I know one thing..."

She blinked, a silent question in her emerald eyes, but as his mouth met hers, she honestly, sincerely knew what he was about to say.

"I'm with you."

**=====The End=====**


End file.
